He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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