Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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