Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
