We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
