I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
