Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
