Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
