I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There r osticjed everywhere
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
