My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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