I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
