Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
