Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
