I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
