It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
