I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
