just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
