I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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