don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
