Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
