If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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