I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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