Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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