My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
