i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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