Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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