i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
