I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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