Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
