If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I had to cum in my sink.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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