I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
