So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
