what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
