In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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