I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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