I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
