well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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