:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's blow job season.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
