at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
