She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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