I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
