So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
