Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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