Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
