20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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