I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
