Screwed.edu
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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