Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
