how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
