so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sober January is a disaster.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize