Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
