God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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