how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
