My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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