u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
