standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
