Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My penis needs a shock collar
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
