Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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