Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
